I am back Savages!!! Here is to Writing!!! Here is to Expressing!!!

 Maaaan, have I just missed the days when I would just write, not for being paid or about entrepreneurship, but just to write for the love of the art. And this year, with my focus on being intentional and purposeful, I do just, so help me God, in my attempt to be intentional for all that matters, and speak to issues that matter and not solely about myself. Maybe my pictures 👀

Esther Neema at Castle Forest

Well, I started the blog because I had a lot of pictures and a lot of words, and for years, I had none of the above.  As a matter of fact, I have been on a journey of self-discovery, finding myself again for the millionth time. While I had so much to say in the past, I have found myself deeply reflective, and silence has been what I have found easy to resign to. I surprise those who see my socials as the life of the party, only to find me opting for a mute existence that is deeply philosophical. I am the modern-day Mahatma Gandhi, only a little more fabulous with fancy clothes. I am a sucker for depth. I find it difficult to talk about snacks, nails, and eyebrows. Too boring, right!!! Also, I am a typical villager.

Esther Neema (Castle Forest)

I have had yet the best decade of my life, I believe, but I have equally been traumatized and deeply shaken by time and age, and somehow I have emerged as a pretty little combination of savagery, still striving to be kind and a good human amid it all. And I think that is what life is all about, so that we are all more refined. 

We all must pass through our character-defining moments.

My choice for business, sigh!!! Has got me questioning my life decisions. Previously stuck between will I make it, to the point of no return, of " Lazima Iwork". And after a decade of trying to patch things up here and there, I finally can say that I have mastered the thing, FINALLY. I am just here looking at myself with pride, saying, finally, I learned how to ask for money and sell, and I am no longer looking like a charitable organization. I have so much respect for everyone who dared to start a business, and even more for those who have stayed long enough to see it become successful. I have literally been paid by my peers who started their own businesses and now have a few million in their accounts. 

Taking this journey when I was 26, it was like a game; today, this is my life.

At my first physical shop in Kibera

I eventually worked at my dream job with dream kind of people, and somehow I have had such conquests that have made me think what a ride and all that has been worth it. Can you imagine I even made it to the Top 35 under 35(State recognized), while I was still staggering on this entrepreneurship path? It was a resounding assurance that I am aligned with God's purpose for my life. I did find myself alright, the one who dances on tables and the one who is the life of the party. I have been on TV, acted on global scenes and local, and have almost done it all, I guess. While I was away. I know, right, earlier on, it didn't look like I had much promise, but I kinda did...

Esther Neema (Top 35 under 35)

Yet, I have had moments when I have stood at a loss for breath, unsure of myself, and wondered what on earth that was. A tonado, earthwake, Tsunami, Hurricane Magdalene? I have passed through the tests of much that I have previously judged, and I have realized that I am just a human being after all. I am going through this journey as a human person, and I should treat myself as such. And that, in a sense, has helped me see the humanity of everyone. People are just going through their own life tests and victories while navigating their humanness, and sometimes even their trauma. I should afford everyone grace, even when they rattle mine.

Esther Neema (Castle Forest) Thus I take advice with a pinch of salt, in case it comes from trauma.

Because, still in our time, while I reflect on that now, I am becoming more aware that I am a woman, and what that comes with it. I was hardly aware of it, and most days I didn't limit my parameters because of it. While I thought I had escaped the claws of society, I was somewhat caught up, that even me the claws of doubting myself, would equally have me question my sanity. That I would question culture, religion, and society, everything that I held to the chore. 

I have found myself seeking more deeply the individual, that is, myself. And I think making that choice has saved me, in a sense, it feels like I am liberated, and somewhat free.  Yet, I am still bound by the parameters of the same society. What a paradox, ain't it? Yet, I understand why every society must have the constructs to live by, but why make such punishing constructs? 

Yet, I feel like I have felt the pain and the anguish of every woman, even without having journeyed in each. Maybe because I am an artist, I experience and live everything. I felt the devastation of the women who fought to stay alive, some for love, some for courage, not just physically, but even their dreams. I have felt the pain of the unlived lives of women who hoped that their obedience would have them win, only to be met with self-abandonment and even desertion. I felt that, and heard them, in a strange way. And when I was speechless, I was feeling each and every tear, and every drop of blood of those who attempted to escape. Of the women who left homes to distant lands for love, only to be despised and never return home. I felt that...

Of the women who left their loved ones, only to end up unloved, broken, and recognizable. Of people's daughters who now have diseases and don't even know their value, other than their servitude, self-abandonment, I felt that... 

And I questioned the sanity of a culture that required women to leave everything, abandon all they are, even their family, only to come back broken, because of their perceived incompleteness. 

My lack of response wasn't nonchalant; I was feeling each of these stories too deeply to speak or reconcile. Yet, I realized that this intensity I was feeling wasn't my own; it was of the many women who walked this path, their brokenness, their dreams, their hopes. It was the ground passing messages through us to heal ourselves, so that we could heal them. It was the unlived lives of women reaching out of the ground so that we can write poetry, so that we can sing our unsung songs, so that we may no longer live such lives.

Times when women had to disguise as men to express. So they died in their souls before they physically died. Because the opposite of depression is expression, and those women did not express, they were defined by silence. When they wanted to sing, to speak, they suppressed their rage; they wore perfection. Today, I realize that my expression is setting the women free; I should, in fact, express.

Esther Neema- MC (MC Goldie)

Yet, this is also the time when women in the world are making presidents and leading nations, and I am deeply grateful to live in such a time when this is happening, and we get to be part of it. We are living in a time where women are also loved the most. A time when they have the vocabulary to want any dream, desire anything, and most of all be anyone etc.

Guest Speaker Speaking to Girls

FYI, this post wasn't to be about women, but I let my thoughts run wild, and they led me there. Sometimes it is in your wound that light enters, and also becomes your life's purpose. When I couldn't write, I longed for when I can write again. Today, I give myself permission to write again. I hope you will journey with me :) 

Speaking to my aunt, she said, if you allow yourself to be all you are, you will go so far. So here is to raw authenticity. I found it deeply refreshing and very liberating to know that I can just be me, eh.

As I celebrate my birthday next Saturday, I dedicate it to expression, to art.

Because, sometimes, life can shake you in places you never knew it could. And sometimes the way to express is through poetry and music 🎶.  Let's sing well and off-key together. Recite poetry and thank God, that we are here today.

There is still more to learn, and I will share my learnings, even as I count down to the 24th January, which will mark the beginning of the last year on this third row. Can you imagine that? This one is for the books 📚