TIPS LEARNED FROM BRIDAL SHOWER OF LOVE AND UNMISERABLE SINGLEHOOD
Of the life's wonders, you will always be curious about what the
other side is all about. The grass seems greener always, unless you
water yours.
When we were growing up, no body taught us how to be in relationships per say, but we emulated it somehow. We assumed roles of spouses and we "fake" married and we lived happy ever before we were called back in to the house to shower.
My sister is around 15 years old and when my mum is telling me and her both to do anything, she will use the same statement of "What will your husbands say about that behaviour" LOL, I find it so funny, because for my sister the least of her concerns is a husband. me perhaps, hell yeah, but my sister !!! Does she even think about it at 15. Any way that just shows how we coastals have distorted priorities, or maybe not, our cultures raised to please a man, some will say, theres is something wrong with that, I think people should be raised to be whole first, and the late please their spouses through being whole. We were cultured, at least my culture, in preparedness for his highness, the man.
DISCLAIMER: I am not looking for a gender argument, I am just stating it as it was. and still is in some cultures. You should attend our bridal showers to know.
"mumeo Mpikie mwenyewe, usimwachie mtu yeyote kumpikia, hata akija saa nane uamke umuandalie. Usimuulize ametoka wapi" *INSERT LECTURE TONE AND ACCENT*
"You should not allow anyone else to cook for your husband but you, even if he comes at 2.00 in the night, don't ask where he is from"
That's what goes on in bridal showers. And you attend many in the events of your life. You get too much information to last you the rest of your life. Newly weds have a tendency to exaggerate male behaviour to our "innocent ears", my cousin was to tell me other cousin "he will pounce on you, ready to devour" sigh.!!!!!! Whatever happened to using euphemisms for some of these things.
Bridal showers end up being horrendous. You will be told, "don't talk to him until, he has calmed down, ndio usimkasirishe" so you wonder, alas, this mumeo guy is a tough job!!!!!! what will be the difference between, the man you are dating and the man you are married to. So most of us single dames are in resistance, saying how we will be tired from work as well, what's with that. while the married women are looking at us with sympathy, for........ you have no idea!!!!
Apparently how you relate to him changes. Maybe it's the fact that a hell lots of bride price is given, and in my culture, the night before the wedding is like a war, you may think the team from the grooms side has come to steal the bride, when in real sense there had been prior negotiations. Mara there is heckling calling the grooms side washamba if they have forgotten to carry anything that is supposed to be in the brides suitcase. Mind you all these heckling happens in the middle of the night. It is DRAMA. So naturally there is mad respect for the groom after the wedding because they have literally passed through such rough terrains to get their wives. I saw how my cousins husband passed through drama, paka he wept on the wedding day, for "I can't believe I finally got her"
And even with all this drama, we still want to do it. I was telling a friend of mine the other day, how I can't wait!!!!!!! and she looked at me for like "how can you say that?" well I can say that coz it's true. We were raised to eventually to do this if culture is anything to go by.
However on the other hand, much as it is a much anticipated moment for both me and some people who are yet to make this matrimonial commitment, I do not find pleasure to jump for flower bouquets at weddings. I know, it is supposed to be fun and give you some kind of jitters that everyone seems to enjoy, but it's just not my style. The MC starts, "where are the single ladies wajitokeze" and then the song, "all the single ladies" is played. sisterens flock the dance floor dancing all over the place. That's when all my cousins are shouting "Esther Njoo" that is when I hide behind the gifts table and hide my face for like "can't everyone just leave me alone", I am the party popper. ha ha ha, I really just can't, I always picture a scenario where we will all fall over each other in heels and our dresses will go up in the name of catching flowers.
Do you see some of the things people go through before we finally tie the knot. Yikes!!!! Too much pressure mien!!!! In my opinion you are ideally supposed to enjoy every bit of it to the last day you hand over the title for a wife title.
However there are some people who try to make being with themselves seem like the hardest thing ever. And obviously there is the team that wants to drag everyone with it. Woi, there is this blogger I had to un follow, I think his sole goal was to lead me in to depression. So imagine all his blogs was to help people to trap others, I don't know how to put it to make you visualize how annoying the posts were, but they indeed were calling people in to desperation, leading many people to feel in complete in themselves and needing to feel a void from outside.
I do get heart broken when I hear girls have gathered themselves in a room after telling each other depressing stories of single hood and even crying coz of WAITING for the man. Or forums of male bashing cursing at every male species, saying how there are no good men in the universe. Or saying phrases like Team forever alone, or even worse cleavaging every outfit and scandalizing each of it hoping that it will show what you got!!!! In the hope that it will bring THE ONE closer, in return it brings you scavengers. Haven't we all been there.
Single hood is not supposed to be frustrating. It is a time for self discovery and fulfilment, where you get enough of you. Do you know one time you will have to share everything including YOUR BED. Of course we ALL are indirectly waiting, cant wait to say YEEEEEES, but that's not all we are doing. We do have a life beyond cuddling, we also sometimes go to work perhaps. And it should not be soooooo OBVIOUS for attention seeking from all possible gents in the universe.
Can't we just for once make our life outside the relationship shell extremely beautiful. Can't we just go to a party and just dance and not hope that someone will tap our shoulder, maybe they will, but cant we just not wait for it. Can't we just daze in our own amazement and look in to the mirror and wonder, what an art!!!!
I know we all do get anxious, first if your facebook timeline is behaving like how mine is, children,TWINS,!!!!!!, weddings and engagement it makes you think the whole world is married. And sometimes if you are like me and you pass a gift shop, you want to buy a gift just for anyone, so I end up buying myself.
But we are lucky to have been born in new age, where you have a choice. Shocked is my mother to see that this generation breaks engagements when it's just not working. Obviously with the assumptions that you will never get another one. Do you know by now in another time, we would have been imposed on grandpas as second wives or even fourth. But now you can choose. you can actually wait for a perfect moment, the right love magic, that makes your world go round even if it is for a moment before you start talking about shared electricity bills and school fees, you can wait without panicking as such. for there is a neighbour who married at 35 and she is happy, for time will tell and the heavens will send love your way at the right moment. I believe love is made in heaven, it is not perfect, but it feels like it. Sending you in to such vulnerability no matter how Gee you try to sound, you just melt silly. Its embarrassing, but its good embarrassing. Its desperate, but it's good desperate, love is a beautiful disease, a beautiful risk.
This is not to say that guys should wait at home and pose like models waiting for it. Apparently it's not those days of waiting in your house anymore. Instead of doing things that push love away, like insulting every tom, Dick or Harry's calling them pigs, package yourself designed for desire, irresistible, so I was told, smile, laugh as much as you should, everyone wants to be around happy people. You will even have choices, makes you wonder where have these species sent from heaven been hiding. Go out, meet new people, join groups, coz home is not where you will be found. You will be found when doing things you love doing, learning new things, going to learn spanish or cooking classes. So instead of weeping, young girl, instead of saying you are team forever alone when you secretly wish to meet people, first step is accepting that we all desire good relationships. Psychological mind games do not help anyone and mostly not you, not me, not the universe and it's goals of filling the earth.
I had to unlearn alot of things, break a lot of rules and eventually learn a lot more. First of all I have the disadvantage of geographic location, where I live there are four boys in the whole neighbour hood of about 1000 households or more. they could be fewer. Leaves you with fewer options OBVIOUSLY, and I sort of brother zoned everyone in my church, and then my socialization skills are uko hazardous for I went to a convent school, so you can just imagine how my relationship with boys was, its actually like I live in 1700. And the the fact that awkwardness is not strange to me, I can be awfully shy, like it's miserable, so am not really a hero in this relationship skills, but there is a change in things, when I look at things differently and actually respond to the environment.
In the past, I used to have gangster love, where guys do soooooo much but unless it was said id still be uko thinking we are Boys or even better brothers and sister. or waiting for the next big sign from the Lord. Then I didn't have to feel vulnerable, I didn't have to loose anything. I never made any first moves, I just received. I would never text first, so then I would never have to suffer of unreplied texts or that anxiety of will i get a text back, or call first, too afraid of loosing or looking desperate. So much as I met incredible people, many slipped away,perhaps thought I was such a jerk. or one can only do so much I guess or even better yet, they were not THE ONE. told you I am 1700, I still believe in the The one. I always imagined that all work needed to be done from the other side in terms of making things happens. Alor, not quite!!!! Apparently we(meaning women) sorta make relationships.
The last Bridal shower, an expert said “wewe ndio utaelekeza kule wataka your relationship iende. Wacha kuuliza maswali ya kijinga, ati what is your favorite colour.. aa aa, uliza maswali ya maana.” (you are the one that will determine how far your relationship will go, stop asking foolish questions like what is your favourite colour) LOL, makes it sound like a hard job, even harder when my mums friend was to tell me, how I should invite the man I want home, and cook him lunch or dinner. I was like hwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!!!!! how do people do that. Of the hardest things in the universe, that is pushing it. Talking of having courage from Mars. Still don't think I could do that. I think some of us were raised very academia some things that other people find easy, like jumping for flowers, admitting we are in love seems like a job. But I am learning that unless you allow yourself to be vulnerable, the fruits of love may be far fetched. I think with time you will not find the need to argue about giving, you want the man/woman, you want the marriage, and you want the best of them all, and so for humanities sake are we even going to argue about things like cooking. Enjoy yourself if you must, I don't see then need. So the married ladies said, they wake up in the middle of the night to cook for their husbands coz they loved them. Aaaaw married people are really sweet. Now that is the part when I am not trying to be sarcastic. It think its tough, but its beautiful. I don't know how sustainable it is, but will find out I guess. One can choose to see it as an act of love or an act of torture, i think that's a personal preference.
Largely I am learning how to not be selfish. My mum thinks I have first born selfishness. I know some of the things like sharing of beds I find very disturbing. I can only imagine how January and February heat can be overwhelming to the couple. If only society would device other sleeping arrangements, that would be cool. Now imagine 365 days and then add forever sharing of a kasmall bed, Lawd help us.But then I realized, unless that selfishness is totally over, one is not ready to take the next big task, which is commitment of forever. There is alot of sharing, even of parents. I don't understand why married couple would have arguments like, which side of the toothpaste you press. I think it is shallow, Am just saying, surely there is more to life than toothpaste.
I do look forwad to getting married, but I have never been a miserable single person really. But the overal lesson I have learned most about singlehood. it is a beautiful moment to grow and become in readiness for sharing and giving, no one should make being with themselves feel like a health hazard. But above all I have learned we should never shy away from admitting the things we want, because only then can we achieve some of those. We have lived a large percentage preparing us for this right!!!! It doesn't matter if its close from here or even far from here, the world is bigger and full of endless possibilities. I just think you should live your moment and give it justice. Water your side of grass. And as a wise woman told us in one of the many shower, your marriage is yours, you are never equipped until it happens as as for how to seal the deal, there are probably is no formulae as we have seen.
When we were growing up, no body taught us how to be in relationships per say, but we emulated it somehow. We assumed roles of spouses and we "fake" married and we lived happy ever before we were called back in to the house to shower.
My sister is around 15 years old and when my mum is telling me and her both to do anything, she will use the same statement of "What will your husbands say about that behaviour" LOL, I find it so funny, because for my sister the least of her concerns is a husband. me perhaps, hell yeah, but my sister !!! Does she even think about it at 15. Any way that just shows how we coastals have distorted priorities, or maybe not, our cultures raised to please a man, some will say, theres is something wrong with that, I think people should be raised to be whole first, and the late please their spouses through being whole. We were cultured, at least my culture, in preparedness for his highness, the man.
DISCLAIMER: I am not looking for a gender argument, I am just stating it as it was. and still is in some cultures. You should attend our bridal showers to know.
"mumeo Mpikie mwenyewe, usimwachie mtu yeyote kumpikia, hata akija saa nane uamke umuandalie. Usimuulize ametoka wapi" *INSERT LECTURE TONE AND ACCENT*
"You should not allow anyone else to cook for your husband but you, even if he comes at 2.00 in the night, don't ask where he is from"
That's what goes on in bridal showers. And you attend many in the events of your life. You get too much information to last you the rest of your life. Newly weds have a tendency to exaggerate male behaviour to our "innocent ears", my cousin was to tell me other cousin "he will pounce on you, ready to devour" sigh.!!!!!! Whatever happened to using euphemisms for some of these things.
Bridal showers end up being horrendous. You will be told, "don't talk to him until, he has calmed down, ndio usimkasirishe" so you wonder, alas, this mumeo guy is a tough job!!!!!! what will be the difference between, the man you are dating and the man you are married to. So most of us single dames are in resistance, saying how we will be tired from work as well, what's with that. while the married women are looking at us with sympathy, for........ you have no idea!!!!
Apparently how you relate to him changes. Maybe it's the fact that a hell lots of bride price is given, and in my culture, the night before the wedding is like a war, you may think the team from the grooms side has come to steal the bride, when in real sense there had been prior negotiations. Mara there is heckling calling the grooms side washamba if they have forgotten to carry anything that is supposed to be in the brides suitcase. Mind you all these heckling happens in the middle of the night. It is DRAMA. So naturally there is mad respect for the groom after the wedding because they have literally passed through such rough terrains to get their wives. I saw how my cousins husband passed through drama, paka he wept on the wedding day, for "I can't believe I finally got her"
And even with all this drama, we still want to do it. I was telling a friend of mine the other day, how I can't wait!!!!!!! and she looked at me for like "how can you say that?" well I can say that coz it's true. We were raised to eventually to do this if culture is anything to go by.
However on the other hand, much as it is a much anticipated moment for both me and some people who are yet to make this matrimonial commitment, I do not find pleasure to jump for flower bouquets at weddings. I know, it is supposed to be fun and give you some kind of jitters that everyone seems to enjoy, but it's just not my style. The MC starts, "where are the single ladies wajitokeze" and then the song, "all the single ladies" is played. sisterens flock the dance floor dancing all over the place. That's when all my cousins are shouting "Esther Njoo" that is when I hide behind the gifts table and hide my face for like "can't everyone just leave me alone", I am the party popper. ha ha ha, I really just can't, I always picture a scenario where we will all fall over each other in heels and our dresses will go up in the name of catching flowers.
Do you see some of the things people go through before we finally tie the knot. Yikes!!!! Too much pressure mien!!!! In my opinion you are ideally supposed to enjoy every bit of it to the last day you hand over the title for a wife title.
However there are some people who try to make being with themselves seem like the hardest thing ever. And obviously there is the team that wants to drag everyone with it. Woi, there is this blogger I had to un follow, I think his sole goal was to lead me in to depression. So imagine all his blogs was to help people to trap others, I don't know how to put it to make you visualize how annoying the posts were, but they indeed were calling people in to desperation, leading many people to feel in complete in themselves and needing to feel a void from outside.
I do get heart broken when I hear girls have gathered themselves in a room after telling each other depressing stories of single hood and even crying coz of WAITING for the man. Or forums of male bashing cursing at every male species, saying how there are no good men in the universe. Or saying phrases like Team forever alone, or even worse cleavaging every outfit and scandalizing each of it hoping that it will show what you got!!!! In the hope that it will bring THE ONE closer, in return it brings you scavengers. Haven't we all been there.
Single hood is not supposed to be frustrating. It is a time for self discovery and fulfilment, where you get enough of you. Do you know one time you will have to share everything including YOUR BED. Of course we ALL are indirectly waiting, cant wait to say YEEEEEES, but that's not all we are doing. We do have a life beyond cuddling, we also sometimes go to work perhaps. And it should not be soooooo OBVIOUS for attention seeking from all possible gents in the universe.
Can't we just for once make our life outside the relationship shell extremely beautiful. Can't we just go to a party and just dance and not hope that someone will tap our shoulder, maybe they will, but cant we just not wait for it. Can't we just daze in our own amazement and look in to the mirror and wonder, what an art!!!!
I know we all do get anxious, first if your facebook timeline is behaving like how mine is, children,TWINS,!!!!!!, weddings and engagement it makes you think the whole world is married. And sometimes if you are like me and you pass a gift shop, you want to buy a gift just for anyone, so I end up buying myself.
But we are lucky to have been born in new age, where you have a choice. Shocked is my mother to see that this generation breaks engagements when it's just not working. Obviously with the assumptions that you will never get another one. Do you know by now in another time, we would have been imposed on grandpas as second wives or even fourth. But now you can choose. you can actually wait for a perfect moment, the right love magic, that makes your world go round even if it is for a moment before you start talking about shared electricity bills and school fees, you can wait without panicking as such. for there is a neighbour who married at 35 and she is happy, for time will tell and the heavens will send love your way at the right moment. I believe love is made in heaven, it is not perfect, but it feels like it. Sending you in to such vulnerability no matter how Gee you try to sound, you just melt silly. Its embarrassing, but its good embarrassing. Its desperate, but it's good desperate, love is a beautiful disease, a beautiful risk.
This is not to say that guys should wait at home and pose like models waiting for it. Apparently it's not those days of waiting in your house anymore. Instead of doing things that push love away, like insulting every tom, Dick or Harry's calling them pigs, package yourself designed for desire, irresistible, so I was told, smile, laugh as much as you should, everyone wants to be around happy people. You will even have choices, makes you wonder where have these species sent from heaven been hiding. Go out, meet new people, join groups, coz home is not where you will be found. You will be found when doing things you love doing, learning new things, going to learn spanish or cooking classes. So instead of weeping, young girl, instead of saying you are team forever alone when you secretly wish to meet people, first step is accepting that we all desire good relationships. Psychological mind games do not help anyone and mostly not you, not me, not the universe and it's goals of filling the earth.
I had to unlearn alot of things, break a lot of rules and eventually learn a lot more. First of all I have the disadvantage of geographic location, where I live there are four boys in the whole neighbour hood of about 1000 households or more. they could be fewer. Leaves you with fewer options OBVIOUSLY, and I sort of brother zoned everyone in my church, and then my socialization skills are uko hazardous for I went to a convent school, so you can just imagine how my relationship with boys was, its actually like I live in 1700. And the the fact that awkwardness is not strange to me, I can be awfully shy, like it's miserable, so am not really a hero in this relationship skills, but there is a change in things, when I look at things differently and actually respond to the environment.
In the past, I used to have gangster love, where guys do soooooo much but unless it was said id still be uko thinking we are Boys or even better brothers and sister. or waiting for the next big sign from the Lord. Then I didn't have to feel vulnerable, I didn't have to loose anything. I never made any first moves, I just received. I would never text first, so then I would never have to suffer of unreplied texts or that anxiety of will i get a text back, or call first, too afraid of loosing or looking desperate. So much as I met incredible people, many slipped away,perhaps thought I was such a jerk. or one can only do so much I guess or even better yet, they were not THE ONE. told you I am 1700, I still believe in the The one. I always imagined that all work needed to be done from the other side in terms of making things happens. Alor, not quite!!!! Apparently we(meaning women) sorta make relationships.
The last Bridal shower, an expert said “wewe ndio utaelekeza kule wataka your relationship iende. Wacha kuuliza maswali ya kijinga, ati what is your favorite colour.. aa aa, uliza maswali ya maana.” (you are the one that will determine how far your relationship will go, stop asking foolish questions like what is your favourite colour) LOL, makes it sound like a hard job, even harder when my mums friend was to tell me, how I should invite the man I want home, and cook him lunch or dinner. I was like hwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!!!!! how do people do that. Of the hardest things in the universe, that is pushing it. Talking of having courage from Mars. Still don't think I could do that. I think some of us were raised very academia some things that other people find easy, like jumping for flowers, admitting we are in love seems like a job. But I am learning that unless you allow yourself to be vulnerable, the fruits of love may be far fetched. I think with time you will not find the need to argue about giving, you want the man/woman, you want the marriage, and you want the best of them all, and so for humanities sake are we even going to argue about things like cooking. Enjoy yourself if you must, I don't see then need. So the married ladies said, they wake up in the middle of the night to cook for their husbands coz they loved them. Aaaaw married people are really sweet. Now that is the part when I am not trying to be sarcastic. It think its tough, but its beautiful. I don't know how sustainable it is, but will find out I guess. One can choose to see it as an act of love or an act of torture, i think that's a personal preference.
Largely I am learning how to not be selfish. My mum thinks I have first born selfishness. I know some of the things like sharing of beds I find very disturbing. I can only imagine how January and February heat can be overwhelming to the couple. If only society would device other sleeping arrangements, that would be cool. Now imagine 365 days and then add forever sharing of a kasmall bed, Lawd help us.But then I realized, unless that selfishness is totally over, one is not ready to take the next big task, which is commitment of forever. There is alot of sharing, even of parents. I don't understand why married couple would have arguments like, which side of the toothpaste you press. I think it is shallow, Am just saying, surely there is more to life than toothpaste.
I do look forwad to getting married, but I have never been a miserable single person really. But the overal lesson I have learned most about singlehood. it is a beautiful moment to grow and become in readiness for sharing and giving, no one should make being with themselves feel like a health hazard. But above all I have learned we should never shy away from admitting the things we want, because only then can we achieve some of those. We have lived a large percentage preparing us for this right!!!! It doesn't matter if its close from here or even far from here, the world is bigger and full of endless possibilities. I just think you should live your moment and give it justice. Water your side of grass. And as a wise woman told us in one of the many shower, your marriage is yours, you are never equipped until it happens as as for how to seal the deal, there are probably is no formulae as we have seen.
Comments